Confessions of a Distorted Mind-REVISING
by CanaanAlshea
Summary: Kurama Struggles With Feelings of Inadequacy, And Centuries of Guilt. (Kurama eating disorder fic-better than it sounds)
1. Chapter 1

Note: I started this story a LONG time ago. Somewhere before 2007 when it was originally published. Since then I am 're-uploading it. As of 2015, it has been revised.

Most of this will be in Kurama's POV.

Chapter One

Some people look at me, and I know they think of how odd or disgusting I am.

Some look at me with admiration, or envy.

I look at myself...and feel only disgusted disassociation. I look in the mirror as the monster grows. As I grow more grotesque no matter how much I exercise or how little I eat or what I do with myself. I don't want people to worry, because I am going to be okay. As soon as I'm okay, I'll stop...! I'm not really SURE how long it will take; I just want to be ok soon. Because once I'm alright with this body, I Will be alright with myself.

How did I get this way? I opened my eyes.I opened my eyes to the recollection of who I really am, who I continue to be. I was first filled with such disgust and anxiety, I was literally unable to drink, eat, sleep. I barely functioned. Wide-eyed, I saw myself vanish. And, such things become addictive.

Others at school tell me I should eat more, and I politely decline. But, do you know what I said in my mind? 'Why? I don't deserve it...' I am always polite, always perfect, always graceful...until I get home. Then, I become a completely different being. I scream, cut, purge myself of imaginary sin.

Usual meals consist of tea, water, coffee, oatmeal, oranges. Not all at once; I pick one, have it in the evening. I try to ignore my body. Before the binge, I cry and go into the bathroom, and spend the rest of the night there.

Once, nothing happened immediately. I tried to vomit, but all I did was gag. So, I ate more laxatives, water pills, then I went to bed in tears and fell into a fitful sleep. I awoke around two AM; a slight rumbling in my stomach. I shot up, but it was too late. I spent the rest of the night crying and cleaning up the mess I had made on the matress before my mother could come home. She was always at work during the binges. It was almost four before the evidence of my shame was cleaned, and I fell asleep on the cold tile of my bathroom.

Other times, I purged myself. It was easy once I got into routine. The first few times, nothing came up, and it hurt. Another time, there was blood, but I didn't think much of it. My glands became swollen. My knuckles were raw from the sharpness of my teeth. I fainted once when I stood in the grocery store too long. Pathetic .

Those at the stores tend to look at me because of the food I buy. Cookies, ice cream, pie. I learned after a while to buy coffee, fruit, some everyday foods to avoid the looks. Sometimes, I eat in the car on the way hone, and then go to my room, start stuffing myself. I finished a carton of ice cream and a 12 pack of cakes in minutes, then started on the chocolate pie. I looked pregnant when I was done, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Trying like hell to soak in the comforting feeling the food brought. Sighing, I faced reality, faced the bathroom; three fingers in my throat, vomit. It was painful, 're-opening all the old blisters, But worth it. I was glad to see my insides.

After a binge like that, I usually didn't eat for days, staying after school so I can lie and say I already ate with friends when I got home to avoid dinner. My mother commented once on how thin I looked, but let it drop after that. I went to my room, locking my bathroom door, and I stripped in front of my mirror.

One day, I tried to expel, but nothing came up. I couldn't figure out why. After a few tries, I gave up, swallowed a random cleaning product. Stupid? Yes. But effective. I was vomiting for over an hour.

Mother overheard me rarely, But I had to lie, saying I was sick. It was really quite funny; I loved her, and always tried to be perfect. And yet, here I felt hardly a twinge of regret when lying straight to her face. She checked my forehead, saying I didn't have a fever. She made me stay home from school that day. I spent that day in bed, constantly getting up and down, doing sit ups and feeling sick. I was sore and dizzy.

Mother went to work, so she didn't know any of it. I didn't eat, lay upon my bed, staring at the ceiling with one arm over my stomach. I put a hand over it and softly pinched the flesh of my belly.

I haven't eaten in three days. My stomach hurts, but somehow it makes me glad. I look in the mirror. I see the dark circles under my eyes; how tired I look. Once emerald, they are a green now, very dull green. I heard my mother talking to my stepfather last night;.she was crying, talking about how she 'didnt know what to do with me'. What does she mean? I'm okay...

I'm feeling dizzy...I think I need to lie down. As soon as I hit the bed, my body begins to feel heavy. I curl up in a ball, clutching my abdomen and shivering; it feels cold now. I look over my window, seeing it wasn't open and the heater was on as well; I don't know how it could be cold. Perhaps I was ill? I'll have to take vitamin C tablets tomorrow.

I'm sitting in school, but the letters on the board seem to dance before my eyes. I can hear what the other boys laugh at me, as they do in gym when the dizzy spells come on again. 'Pussy' they say. Well, I may be weakened, but at least I'm not sitting, becoming a bovine...

My throat hurts from the times I've vomited. I've downed syrup of ipecac. Not one of my better moments; I was up puking for hours, my throat burning and I felt like my insides were on fire. I couldn't sleep; my head throbbed, my vision blurred. I felt like I would die. Mother noticed; I told her I was sick and she believed me. Loveable woman, she really is. I'm glad she's so trusting. I don't know what I would do if she found out. It's detestable, how easily I lie...

"Kurama?" I look up, motions slower than usual, to look into the concerned Brown eyes of Keiko. My cheeks heat up as I realize the whole group looks like that except for Hiei...they've been trying to get my attention. Damn. I smile, apologize, the brunette handing me something in a can and telling me I should drink it. I open it, pretend, set it down.

"Mr. Minamino!" I look to the front of the room, away from the window, to see my teacher standing, an impatient look on his face as he stands directly beside my desk. He cranes his neck to where I'd been facing; "Tell me, what is so interesting about the sky, Minamino?" he asks, "Why there's not even a cloud!" the class snickers, and I resist the urge to glare death at them. "Nothing sir," I keep my own impatience out of my voice, "I'm just a bit tired. Please, continue your lecture." I hoped that's what he had been doing.

Of course, I'm wrong. They snicker behind their hands, some outright laugh, and I'm surprised to find that I am neither embarrassed nor angry; in fact, I don't feel anything. "Mister Minamino," he sighs, "I asked if you have finished the report." I close my eyes; I'd never started it. "I'll take that as a no," he looks at me oddly, tells me to see him after class.

The room piles out, a particular group of boys whom I'd never cared for pointing and laughing, others made a strange 'ooooh' sound; the kind teenagers make when someone is in trouble. It's ridiculous; something I have no patience for. My teacher gestures to the chair in front of his desk and I sit down, my spine straight as I try not to show any emotion. "You've been acting strange lately," he says to me, the earlier harshness gone, "is there-" He glares at the door, which is open a bit, and the person on the other side slams it. He shakes his head, turning back to me, "Is there anything you need to talk about?"

Talk about? Such as my mother being married to a man I hate? That she has a stepson whom she adores and is devoted to? My first father is forgotten, fading away while a new man takes his place in the photos? Should we talk about how everything is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to fix myself?

"No sir," I shrug, "there's nothing to say..."


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

My walk home was anything but pleasant. Everyone else was perfectly comfortable in jeans and t-shirts or shorts. And I couldn't help but wonder. I felt my stomach clench as I realized someone was staring; I did not look up to see who. I just wrapped my coat tighter and walked faster, just wanting to go home to the privacy of my room to sleep.

It was cold; always cold. I greeted my mother, and was about to go upstairs when she stopped me. "Suichi dear," she smiles, "Aren't you going to say hello?" I look at the 40-something year old man and fake a smile , "Good evening, Hatanaka-San." He nods to me and I go upstairs; my door is open.

"Kokoda," I'm surprised at the anger in my voice, as is my step brother. He turns, eyes wide and I look to see what he has in his hand; my heart skips. "Put it down," I whisper, my voice cold, anger seeping from my pores. It is a leather bound journal. Careful charts and lists, recipes, frantic ramblings... He closes it, putting it back in my open dresser, and doesn't move. He's either ashamed or afraid. I don't care. "Get out." He runs by me, and I immediately go to my nightstand, roughly grabbing a small vial. I have to edit his memory.

Relief consumes me as I watch how easily he consumes the plants I've mixed into his salad; to me, there is a distinct smell. Thank god humans don't have sensitive noses. "Suichi dear," my mother puts her hand over mine, her skin warm and smooth as always, "Are you alright? Or do you not like the roast?" I try to smile at her; I'm not sure if it works, "I'm afraid it is not my favourite of meals mother. Excuse me please; I need some pepper." I stand and go into the kitchen, pausing to make sure no one moves as I let the door swing shut.

Carefully, I tilt the plate into the trashcan beneath the sink, letting over half my dinner fall in. I add green spices, move things around so the illusion of more food is placed. I sigh; They won't notice unless they look for it.

I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, I wrapped a quilt around my body, not bothering to wonder why it was so damned cold, and went into the den where I knew my mother would be reading. "Mama," I whispered. Shock went in to a part of my brain; I'd never called her that, or any silly baby name. But she didn't seem to care; she looked up from her book and gave me a warm smile, putting her attention on me for the moment.

"Mother, it's cold," I whispered, feeling foolish, "May I sit with you?" She looked at me the way I knew she would; the smile that showed how happy she was to have me a bit less standoffish. Having such an independent child followed by a needy teenager must be strange, though she hasn't complained. I yawn, wrapping my arm through hers and resting my head on her shoulder, glancing at the book but not taking in any of the words. Selfish, but I missed these little moments where it was just us. She has another son to dote on. Do I fear being forgotten?

Inwardly, I flinch. When did I get so selfish? Do I come across as such a bastard to others, or is it just me? The critical side of me does nothing But scold and yell and berate day in and day out, back again, and this time, I don't try to silence it.

Morning comes. I didn't sleep. I was up reading completely pointless books for my English class. The finals are coming up. I'm not stressed about it; I learned most of it along time ago. "Suichi?" I glare; a man's voice. Without waiting for a response, Kazuya opens the door with a smile, "Your mother wants me to tell you it's time for breakfast." The door clicks shut.

Carefully, I set the meal. I take a bite for ten they take. I push the rice around on my plate, avoiding the Miso soup. I stand, kissing mothers cheek and ruffling Kokoda's hair before walking out the door. They didn't notice I hadn't said more than four words.

I take a deep breath, feel my stomach. Everything is fine.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

My limbs feel heavy as I fall onto the bed, the smell of vanilla washing over me. I love when mother does laundry; I don't know how she does it but The scent is there without being overpowering. "Suichi?" I don't open my eyes, giving a 'hm' of acknowledgement as Kokoda's voice reaches me; strange I didn't hear the door open. "Dad wanted me to tell you to come downstairs." His voice is quiet...how odd. "I don't know what he wants to talk to you about." I sigh, leaving my room after thanking him.

I pull the belt of my robe tighter as I lean against the door frame of the den, looking at the man who sits so comfortably in what used to be my father's chair, "You wished to speak with me?" He looks up from the television, which is muted, and motions to the couch beside the chair. I sit down, and look at him, try to keep my eyes open. "Your teacher called today." He looks upset, and his voice gives an edge of anger, "He's concerned about your recent behaviour." I fight the urge to laugh; I'm not acting that differently. I smile, "I'm sorry. I've been distracted." he looks me up and down; you could see what he was wondering. And I'm right; the next thing he asks is, "Are you on drugs?" in a rather blunt fashion. So I give him a look; one that says "are you a fool?" He sighs, leaning back against the chair and running his hand over his face like he's exhausted, "Suichi, what are we going to do with you?" I close my eyes, not having a response and doubting he's expecting one. "Well," he sighs, "get some sleep son. Maybe we'll talk in the Morning." I narrow my eyes as he gives me a hit to the back of the shoulder; one of those human masculine farewells that I despise. Of course, I'm not the epitome of perfection, myself.

I sit here now on the bench, reveling in the bitter cold despite The late morning as I stare at the hazy grey sky. "Fox?" I look over, forcing a smile as I see Hiei beside the bench. "Hiei," it is refreshing to see those ruby eyes, "Please, take a seat." He does so, shaking his head to rid it of snowflakes that had nested there before he looks me up and down, eyes narrowing, "You've...changed." I feel my cheeks heat up and I wrap my coat around my body, crossing my legs and making sure I keep the smile, "Have I?" I resist the urge to tease him about his height, which hasn't increased, "And how's that, firefly?" He looks into my eyes, all seriousness apparent in his features as he utters four words that make my heart plummet:

"Have you gained weight?"

I look away, pressing my lips together, and then back to him with a small smile, hoping he doesn't notice the sadness threatening the back of my eyes, the subtle tremble of my lips, "Possibly. I dont weigh myself often." a lie if I've ever told one. He shrugs, looking around and then doing something that once made me grin; he tilted his head back to catch snowflakes on his tongue. I'm surprised this childish act No longer gives me a warm feeling. I don't feel anything now other than the urge to run. I stand up, "Why don't we go for a walk?"

He stands easily from the bench, smiling at me, "Sure. It Will be fun to see how much this human world is declining." I look at him; same Hiei as ever. Never has an ounce of fat on him; he's wearing a new cloak, though it looks exactly like the old one aside from the lack of tearing at the bottom. He quirks his brow with a smile, "Remember? You gave this to me, Fox." I nod, remembering that day vividly. He had given me a 'hn' and flung it over his shoulder casually, making me believe he would never wear it, reminding me that Christmas was a senseless human holiday.

He'd worn the cloak the next day.

"Y'know Fox," I look over, watching him kick snow out of his way, "I didn't mean to insult you when I mentioned weight gain." Damn. There it was again. I didn't say anything. "You've changed in other ways," he smiled at me, near grinning as he tugged the end of my hair, "This red mop of yours has grown quite a few inches," he let go and put his hand in his pocket, "You're taller, if not by a centimeter or two, but taller none the less." I smiled helplessly. "And," here, Hiei stopped walking, and he wasn't smiling anymore, "I think I love you more than I ever have." He kissed me softly, his hand finding mine to lace our fingers together, "I've missed you...stupid Fox." I laughed, albeit tearfully, and rest my forehead against his, "I've missed you too."

We went back to my house, grateful that my family had gone shopping, and changed out of our clothes into warm, dry ones. We sat on the loveseat, my head on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat and drank green tea. We watched the muted television, but neither of us paid much attention. His fingers, as always, found my hair; he hesitated before running his hands through it, "Fox, your hair is thinner..." I smiled up at him, running my finger lightly over his lips, "Hiei, I never knew you paid attention to such small details. But yes, it is. I got it trimmed two days ago." He smirked, changing his position so he sat forward on my lap, and found my lips with his own. Hiei's hands were loosely around my neck, mine on his hips as we kissed slowly for the first time in what felt like too long.

Unfortunately, we did have to part. I rest my forehead on his, staring into those beautiful eyes and running my hands over his back slowly. His other clothes were in the dryer, and he was now wearing a pair of my old jeans and navy shirt. I gently slud my hand up the back of that shirt and used my fingertips to trace the soft skin there; I felt the goose-bumps and his lips met my throat, kissing, sharp teeth leaving careful nips. "Hiei..." I whispered, unable to breathe but not wanting him to stop for anything. I felt my trembling; Hiei was calm and calculating, giving me just enough to keep me involved and focused on him.

I leaned my head down to kiss him again; I wanted reality. I needed to know that Hiei was here with me. "Please...don't leave.." "Never, Fox." I hadn't realized I'd uttered my plea aloud. I was careless.

"Suichi, we're home!"

I hissed, not appreciating my family's early return, as Hiei and I pulled away immediately, turning to the television and trying to figure out what was going on in case my mother should ask.

"Hello Hiei," she said, walking into the room and setting her purse on the table, "How are you dear?" He smiled, dramatically different than what he showed Yusuke and the others, "Fine Shiori. And yourself?" My mother chuckled, pulled her hair from the bun and letting it fall loosely down her back, "Exhasted. The crowds were just awful today. I'm going to make some tea. Would you like some?" He nodded, "That would be nice. Thank you Shiori." She left without another word, and I smirked at my lover.

"What," he said with a huff, "Would you rather I speak to her the same way I do the detective and the oaf?" I shook my head, kissing the back of his hand quickly, "No, that would be bad. Thank you, love, for being so polite to my human family." He gave a 'hn' that meant something along the lines of "it's no big deal so don't thank me for it."

We drank tea together, myself being cautious of how much I poured. My mother added sugar to it; I never cared much for English blends myself, but its to her taste and Hiei loved it, after adding honey. It hurt my stomach to think of it.

Hiei slept quietly while my mother was in her bedroom. I went in to my bathroom to use the scale, breathing shakily.

112


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

112

My eyes were wide, mouth open in shock as I stared at those numbers.

At five feet seven inches, I didn't understand how I could weigh so much. Slowly, I eased myself against the wall and slid to sit down; I rest my head on my knees, breathing slowly. Insults flash through my mind(failure, fat, good for nothing, moron, liar...) and they were correct.

Hiei was in the den, reading a book in a fluffy lounge chair. He looked up at me and held a book up so I could see the title; Moby Dick, huh? I smiled, "why Hiei, I never knew you enjoyed such literature." He mock glare, and looked at me in a scrutinizing tone, "What's the matter, Fox?" Sometimes it annoys me that I can't hide anything, "Nothing serious, love," I said, smiling, "I'm just a bit frustrated with the fact that I've misplaced my blue shirt." Hiei smiled knowingly, "Let me guess; the one with the Chinese style buttons?" I nodded, "You know me well." He winked and turned back to his book; I decided to make some tea for him.

"Suichi dear," my mother's voice seemed loud in the otherwise silence of our home, "What on earth are you doing up so..." she glanced at the clock, "Early..." Indeed it was much later than I'd assumed, past twelve thirty. "I am sorry mother," my own voice was low, "I hadn't realized how much time had gone by..." She waved me off, tying her hair back while I set the full kettle on the stovetop. I pulled a silver canister of lemongrass tea, three bags; I knew my mother would drink some even she denied wanting any. Much like Hiei, women were peculiar creatures.

Shiori had gone back to her bedroom with a full cup while I went to the den, sitting next to Hiei on the brown chair. He smirked, setting a Mark in his book before his hands went to my hips; I knew what he was doing. And the last thing I needed was his hands around my waist. Feigning playfullness, instead of the insecurity I was really feeling, I pulled away from him and smirked, running my fingers casually through my hair. Strange; perhaps I should go back to my old shampoo. This is why I asked Kazuya not to buy salon products.

"Not now Hiei," I looked into his eyes, "Maybe some other time, ne?" He gave me something close to a pout as I've ever seen, before it morphed into a grin, "Fine, Fox. But I'm holding you to that."

..I couldn't sleep. I would lie there, listening to Hiei's breathing or his heartbeat, and for a moment I would be calm...but my thoughts kept drifting. I would have to fidget, simply because I felt disgusting just...lying there, taking in oxygen. I wanted to run; to simply leap from the trees until my legs collapsed beneath me. I wanted to embrace the moonlight. I wanted...I sighed. I didn't know what j wanted anymore.

I stood, rocking back and forth between the balls and heels of my feet. I got tired quickly,had to stop. It made me feel restless, so I started again. Everything started to hurt and my hands trembled. Irritated. I went into the bathroom and I tried my hardest not to slam the door.

I stared at the Damn mirror; I couldn't tear my eyes from the disgusting human that stood before me.

...I honestly don't remember taking the blade in to my hands.

It was a simple old fashioned razor; blade attached to a wooden handle. It pops forward, revealing the shining edge that called in a demented fashion. Biting my lip, I took a deep breath; just once. I would try once, to see if it helped.

I pressed it to the outside of my arm, a sharp sting followed by a stream of blood and burning that came from the core of my veins. My breath hitched.

It felt good. It hurt. And it helped.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

"Fox?"

I could have sworn my heart stopped as I heard his voice directly outside of my room. I had the blade in my drawer, drew my sleeve down to force myself to calmly tell Hiei he could come in. He didn't hesitate. He leaned casually against the door frame, one hand moving to rub tired eyes, "Fox, its almost one in the morning. What are you up to?"

He didn't sound accusatory or angry. I smiled, "I was feeling restless, love," not a complete lie, " I needed something to do so I decided to clean the bathroom."

'Please believe me...'

He looked suspicious, red eyes narrowing as he looked me up and down.

"It smells like blood."

I tugged my sleeve, "just a small Nick. Nothing to worry over." I felt he stared at me for an eternity after that lie tumbled out. Finally, he let out a sigh and took my hand, "Just come to bed." He sounded tired. He sounded as though he didn't want to deal with it anymore. It hurt; was I that burden he couldn't handle? Must I make everyone suffer?

I lay down slowly, covering my lips with the blanket and turning away, trying to hide in cold sheets. I waited for Hiei to do something; to say goodnight, to say he was sorry, to wrap his arms around my waist and kiss my neck the way he had always done.

But he didn't; he just lay there and fell asleep.

I lay in the darkness, tried not to scream.

I awoke the next morning to my mothers voice softly telling me to wake up. Hiei wasn't there anymore and I forced my eyes to look at the clock; it was 9 am, Sunday. "I'm awake mother," my voice was hoarse. Her footsteps retreating were faster than usual. Was she upset that I slept in? "Hiei?" I rolled over to search for him. The bed was cold. How long ago had he left? My shoulder popped as I sat up; pain shot up my arm and I grit my teeth to keep from crying out from the burn. 'That's never happened..' I stumbled into the shower, my eyes moving to the mirror no matter How much I hated It.

I didn't remember if I had kissed Hiei goodbye. I don't know how I got to school grounds either...the next thing I knew, my hand was on the handle of the wide doors that I'm sure were meant to intimidate the freshmen. I felt nothing.

"Minamino!" I flinched at the name, the voice so loud. The smile came without my permission and I turned to look at Kaitou, walking calmly up the steps to greet me, "You study for the botany exam?" his eyebrows were raised in a sarcastic fashion. I smiled, "Of course. For hours." The bell could have deafned me with it's pitch, my feet moving of their own accord; the school smelled too sterile. It was bright, filled with teenagers that were already grating my nerves with their voice.

One of those unpleasant days in my human life. And the day wasn't over yet.

"Fox?" I tilted my head to see Hiei calmly sitting in the tree above me, "Hello Hiei." He didn't move; usually he would have slid down to embrace me. I didn't ask him what was wrong; he would tell me in his own time. I stood there for a moment, running my fingers over my hair and watching people walk by. "Would you like to come over, Hiei?" He wouldn't look at me, "You know Fox, I think I'd rather spend some time alone tonight." I sighed, somehow grateful he wouldn't see what needed so much work. I smiled and nodded, "Very well. Don't kill anyone important." He smirked, "I'm not making any promises."

Swiftly, He left.

No farewell or goodbye routine.

I don't know how long I stood there, my mind racing from the sudden change he made; perhaps foolish, but my insecurity flared.

I walked home without seeing.

"Mother?" The house was quiet. Not a sound or light from inside. A bright yellow note was taped to the fridge. My mother had gone to dinner with Hatanaka and Kokoda. Since I had been unwell, they had gone ahead. She hoped I felt better.

She never left notes before. It was a strange, empty feeling.

Numb, I ran a bath, trying to ignore my shaking hands as the steam created patterns before my face.

Heavy. That was the only way to describe my state. Emotionally and physically weighed down by nothing. I washed away the dirt of that day, the steam relieving my headache. I tried not to look at the scale, which sat mockingly in the corner of the room.

I stood before the mirror, encompassing the entire wall, the steam distorting my body into a silhouette. I don't remember wiping it clean, but I could clearly see myself a moment later; it made me ill. I dragged my nails along my flesh. Again. Again.

Deep marks, bloody twins upon my arms. Kuronue's face, Hiei's eyes, my mother's voice. How many would I hurt in these lifetimes? How much time would I have to repent?

I pushed up the lid, stared in to the water, feeling my stomach clench. Feeling disgusted, numb, pained. I slipped my fingers into the cavern of my throat. Painfully, a heave wrenched my body as I emptied my body, reveling in the pain it brought. I don't know how long I was there, thinking of my self loathing abd wanting to vanish.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Shiori POV

I sat quietly in my recliner, trying to work on a crossword puzzle. Trying to keep my mind off of my family. I tried to keep my sons pained eyes from appearing in my mind. I tried not to think about how I heard him vomiting. What was he sick with? What could he hide from me?

Such a secretive child. He would tell me in his own time; he would come to calmly and seek my advice. Number four down...

Slowly, I folded the paper in half, listening to the door click shut, my son whispering to himself as though there was no one in the house. I wondered, briefly, if I should talk to Kazuya. Maybe I should let Suichi take care of himself, as he had for so long.

My slow trail in to my bedroom took too long. The carpet behind me was dark, and my mind was on those haunted green eyes; the slowly fading soul behind them. Collapsing on my bed, I let the tears fall, thinking of my son. I had failed him. There was nothing I could do to help.

...did Suichi feel as cold as I was? I lay there trying to calm my mind, wrapped tightly in my quilt. A music box kept playing in my skull, and I eventually threw my legs over the side of the bed. I had to see.

Footsteps. I stood outside his door,listening. He was pacing. Back wall, closet door and back again. Did he know? Did he realize I knew his routine, this thing he repeated for hours? My shaking hand fell to the golden knob; I didn't knock.

"Suichi?"

Startled, he turned, spinning on his heel to face me. "Mother," he sighed tiredly, "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

'You would like me to...' "I was just coming to tell you goodnight, baby."

I forced a smile, shutting the door behind me, tying the sash of my robe.

What do I say? Sitting on his bed, I beckoned him to sit beside me, "Do you remember your father?" Do you remember family meals? When you could do things normally, not wondering if it was perfect. Do you remember, my son?

"Of course mother," He didn't sound sad or reminiscent; it was as though we were talki g about the weather. Suichi then took my hand, touching his lips to my knuckles, "I could never forget him," he whispered, "No more than you can."

Then how could you do this...?

I wanted to hit him, to embrace him.

How can you abuse your body, my son? Does your life, the life we cherish so, mean nothing?

I could not voice these questions.

"Mother are you alright?"

I touched his shoulder, feeling the bone. The baggy, but neat clothing hide these bones so well. He was paler than normal. I looked into dead eyes and smiled, tears burning, "Of course, my son."

I kissed his cheek, wanting to ask questions but not daring to shatter the peace we had created, "Sleep well dear." He nodded stiffly as I walked out of his room. He wanted go say something...I wanted him to. I wanted him to stop hiding. I didn't know my enigmatic son.

"Suichi?"

Still facing the hallway, my back to him, I took a deep breath;

"Please know that I love you."

And then I left.

*Kurama POV*

The room seemed silent after She left. Her touch burned my skin; I didn't dare move for fear that peace would be broken.

Eventually I did. I stood and picked up my book. I turned to page 53. I began pacing again.

I sat quietly in my recliner, trying to work on a crossword puzzle. Trying to keep my mind off of my family. I tried to keep my sons pained eyes from appearing in my mind. I tried not to think about how I heard him vomiting. What was he sick with? What could he hide from me?

Such a secretive child. He would tell me in his own time; he would come to calmly and seek my advice. Number four down...

Slowly, I folded the paper in half, listening to the door click shut, my son whispering to himself as though there was no one in the house. I wondered, briefly, if I should talk to Kazuya. Maybe I should let Suichi take care of himself, as he had for so long.

My slow trail in to my bedroom took too long. The carpet behind me was dark, and my mind was on those haunted green eyes; the slowly fading soul behind them. Collapsing on my bed, I let the tears fall, thinking of my son. I had failed him. There was nothing I could do to help.

...did Suichi feel as cold as I was? I lay there trying to calm my mind, wrapped tightly in my quilt. A music box kept playing in my skull, and I eventually threw my legs over the side of the bed. I had to see.

Footsteps. I stood outside his door,listening. He was pacing. Back wall, closet door and back again. Did he know? Did he realize I knew his routine, this thing he repeated for hours? My shaking hand fell to the golden knob; I didn't knock.

"Suichi?"

Startled, he turned, spinning on his heel to face me. "Mother," he sighed tiredly, "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

'You would like me to...' "I was just coming to tell you goodnight, baby."

I forced a smile, shutting the door behind me, tying the sash of my robe.

What do I say? Sitting on his bed, I beckoned him to sit beside me, "Do you remember your father?" Do you remember family meals? When you could do things normally, not wondering if it was perfect. Do you remember, my son?

"Of course mother," He didn't sound sad or reminiscent; it was as though we were talki g about the weather. Suichi then took my hand, touching his lips to my knuckles, "I could never forget him," he whispered, "No more than you can."

Then how could you do this...?

I wanted to hit him, to embrace him.

How can you abuse your body, my son? Does your life, the life we cherish so, mean nothing?

I could not voice these questions.

"Mother are you alright?"

I touched his shoulder, feeling the bone. The baggy, but neat clothing hide these bones so well. He was paler than normal. I looked into dead eyes and smiled, tears burning, "Of course, my son."

I kissed his cheek, wanting to ask questions but not daring to shatter the peace we had created, "Sleep well dear." He nodded stiffly as I walked out of his room. He wanted go say something...I wanted him to. I wanted him to stop hiding. I didn't know my enigmatic son.

"Suichi?"

Still facing the hallway, my back to him, I took a deep breath;

"Please know that I love you."

And then I left.

*Kurama POV*

The room seemed silent after She left. Her touch burned my skin; I didn't dare move for fear that peace would be broken.

Eventually I did. I stood and picked up my book. I turned to page 53. I began pacing again.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Shiori POV

He was sitting outside the window again. Hiei had been in that tree for he an hour. I wondered if they had an argument, and he was afraid to make amends directly. I looked over at the clock, not sure if I wanted to know what time it was. 11:30. I sighed, resting my forehead on my palm. I was sure the next day would be a long one.

Turning to the window, I nodded to the dark boy sitting in what must have been a cold night. He came in like a shadow. "Hiei...it's good to see you again." I greeted him, feeling shy around this stoic boy.

"Shiori."

Always straightforward. Few words.

"Suichi should be in bed by now," I whispered, "But you are welcome to go see him."

"Hn."

There was a long moment where he just stood there, as if unsure if whether or not He should move.

"Shiori?"

I look in to startling ruby eyes.

"You should...spend more time with your son," awkwardly, he slid his hands into the pockets of his coat, looking at me, not blinking, "he misses what you had...he fears losing you to that man and a new son."

For a moment I could do nothing but stare. What was he talking about? I didn't know whether or not to believe him. But, why lie?

He went silently up the stairs. I knew he would stroke my sons hair as he slept, the way he used to. A mother can always see love.

With a sigh, I pulled an Afghan off the back of the chair, wrapping it tightly. Praying endlessly.

*Kurama POV*

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...

Repeat.

Over and over again, I repeated numbers. Counting the seconds back and forth as I stretched. I didn't want to look at myself, but I was drawn. Disgusting, almost like how you don't want to look at the disfigured individual walking the street, but it's magnetic. I imagined the bones which lay beneath. The tainted soul.

Kuronue flashed briefly behind my eyes. I replaced him with numbers before the guilt could overwhelm me.

I thought of food, numbers, weight.

My weight; 116 pounds.

Weight gain; four pounds.

Food; one peach, 37 calories, 1.38 calories from fat, 18.87 grams carbohydrates.

I was cold in the sweatshirt, the black slacks. I probed my stomach; hard. I poked and pulled my face, arms, back..too much. I hated the human flesh.

What would Kuronue say if he could see me? If he could see this human form?

I shook my head.

Less than 800 calories.

Hiei's eyes, bold, burned through Kuronue. I hated his criticism, his comments that to him were meaningless. Telling me how he liked my demon form better, he hated this world, longed for home and my old self. Was everything about me wrong? I remembered his sword gleaming as it entered my body on the day I protected Yusuke.

Pace.

13-88 lunges

5-88 squats.

30 sit ups.

25 push ups.

After a shower, I go downstairs and smile at my mother.

The morning routine played in my head. Everything was similar, bot identical. Running in the park when the families had gone home. I would lie; I was going to the library. I had a meeting with biology club. They didn't know.

Yusukes smiling Brown eyes.

Yukina's gentle gaze.

Hiei's laughter, his hands in mine.

Those damned violet-blue eyes that never faded. I didn't want to see them anymore...! I wanted my past to vanish. I didn't want these memories. I glanced at my watch.

11:49 pm. Hiei should have been back. My eyes followed the moon's trail to my garden. It was dying; I no longer had the energy to sustain it. I didn't understand being so tired. It wasn't like this before.

'Maybe all the weight you've gained'

I didn't look at the mirror. I fell onto my bed. Creak of metal springs.

"Kurama."

No energy to move. I gestured for him to come in. The window clicked shut and I turned my head to see my dark haired demon, a smile on his delicate face and a new cloak folded in his arms. The shirt accentuated his narrow waist, the pants made his legs look longer. A part of me envied what he exuded. The dark beauty few possessed. I smiled habitually.

A calloused hand ran through my hair. Hiei settled his hips abd bending to touch his lips against my own.

"What are you smiling about, fox?" he whispered.

The question widened my smile. I wound my fingers through black hair, teasing the white firework above his brow, "Just you firefly," I could barely hear my own voice. Tenderly, he kissed me.

And a part if me wondered what was going through his mind as he settled comfortably on my waist. I didn't look for disgust in his eye, because I was afraid. Yoko Kurama, afraid of and in love with a fire demon. It would be laughable in the demon world. But I was always a soft one for romance.

He looked into my eyes, as if lining a map, something he would need to find somewhere down the road. Worry flashed briefly in crimson.

"Are you alright Hiei?"

Hesitation.

"Fine."


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

I couldn't sleep. Electric shocks kept running through my muscles. I closed my eyes, and felt the urge to go walk, run, anything with motion. Awkwardly, I tucked a strand if hair behind my ear, looking at Hiei, who was half asleep.

"You're restless."

Forever observant, always blunt. That's Hiei. I nodded, "I'm keeping you awake?" He shook his head, resting it on my chest and tracing the bird embroidered in my sleeping shirt. A large black bird. Perhaps I had received it from someone... "I've been awake for some time now."

I hesitated questioning it; was something wrong.

"I can't seem to stop worrying," he sounded torn between that very emotion and amusement, "I can't cut that feeling back anymore. Not since you and Yukina." He looked up at me and I stared into shimmering rubies, aglow in the moonlight.

"And I'm worried about you, Fox," he wasn't whispering anymore. His tone had risen to normality; briefly, I wondered what would happen should anyone be standing outside my door. "Worried, Hiei? You've no reason to..." A hand fell over my lips, killing my words. "Don't tell me not to worry, Damn it." Anger burned in him. I was responsible for that. His hands gripped my shoulders, hard enough to bruise; he wanted to shake me.

"...Why can't you trust me? Why can't you tell me what the hell is going on with you?"

What? I wanted to ask where all of This was coming from. Why had he suddenly decided to bring it up?

'You've known, haven't you Hiei? Since you came back...the comments were to test my reaction...' He knew. He wanted me to open up and I had failed. He was pinning my hands up by my head. Not as harshly as he had my shoulders a moment ago, but it hurt. I bit my lip and turned away, unable to face him.

And then, the weight was gone. I felt cold, but relieved in the sense that I No longer feared abuse from him. Hiei's hands were clenched over his knees, sitting cross legged in front of me, shoulders shaking...crying? Hiei was crying...

"Damn it!" he wiped his face, "What do I have to do? What happened to make you do this to yourself?"

A pregnant moment of silence passed, him staring with wet eyes and I kept my eyes on a book I needed to finish. I thought of poetry. Poe. Yehuda Amichai, Anna Akhmatova, Gillaume Appollibaire...

'God has no pity on kindergarten children...'

It surprised me how easily I dissociated. How the poet recited itself; the words appearing and repeating like a child's winding top. "Kurama?" Hiei tried to bring me back. 'Damn it..I've been broken for so long...it's taken too long to see it...'

I took a deep breath and stared at the hand gently holding mine. How easily he could break the bone. His thumb stroked, tracing veins and old scars as a well known map, "I'm not trying to interrogate you," it sounded harsh, but there was an underlying kindness. It was like he didn't know whether to hold me or strike me. "I just want to understand...how you or anyone could do this..." he took another breath, "How can you destroy yourself and think so lightly? Take It as a normal part of yourself?" I had no response.

"Suichi, its time to get up!" Rudely, I did not answer my mother. I stared at the open window. At the mocking blue sky, seeming to promise glory. The doorknob turned and I laid back down, closing my eyes, "Suichi aren't you coming to the library with me?" I pulled the quilt over my head, cold, exhausted, and wanting to fade away, "Mother, I don't feel well. May I stay home?" She stood there. I could feel her eyes on me despite the layers of cotton and feathers. A soft hand fell on my shoulder, "Alright dear. I hope you feel better." She sounded on the verge of tears.

"Mother, are you alright ?" I pulled from my cocoon to look at her chocolate eyes. They were wet with tears she refused to acknowledge, "Yes dear. I'll bring you a couple books, ok? Do you need anything? I could bring you some soup, or tea. Maybe I could-" I shook my head, "No mother, there is nothing I need. Thank you. I only need sleep." She nodded, muttered something about painkillers. She kissed my brow before leaving.

She lied. As I have lied many times before. Is this what it felt like? I lay my head back down, moving my wrists back and forth; the cuts stung as I Sid so. I took deep, deliberate breaths. Smile. When she comes in, smile, pretend you'll be fine after some rest. I practiced to the ceiling

A steaming silver mug was on my nightstand with a small click, two white pills and a few crackers on a matching tray. She was smiling again, but would not look into my eyes, fidgeting. "I'll be back in a few hours dear," she said as if I were a small child, "If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to call me? You know my cell phone, and the emergency numbers-"

"Are by the telephone as they have been for eleven years," I gave another smile and kissed her hand, glancing at the ring that had replaced the one my first father had given her, "please, don't worry so much. Go run your errands. Perhaps you could do something fun, lessen the stress that clearly burdens you."

Am I that burden, mother?

She stared at me as if I'd pulled out a gun, pointed it between her brows. How could those words have affected her so? Perhaps she was ill ? She nodded, looking terrified, like she was going to burst in to hysterical tears, "Of course dear. I'll come back this evening...perhaps afternoon. Depends on traffic."

She caressed my cheek, kissed my forehead, trembling. She turned, resting her head on the doorway, looking at me with a soft smile, "I love you Suichi." I smiled, trying not to yell. "I love you mother."

She left quietly.

*Shiori POV*

My hands shook as I slipped the key in to the slot. I remembered hearing him cry. Seeing dead eyes. I felt helpless as I watched my son slip in to his own Hell. I sat there, the blue vehicle in front of the pharmacy, the blinking C. I rest my head on the steering wheel as I cried.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE Hiei POV I was sitting there watching the cars go by, humans unknowing if my presence. I watched people walk hand in hand, laughing like they had not a care in the world.

I hated them.

"Hey, hamster legs!"

I growled as I heard the familiar stupid voice that made my skin crawl. And for God's sake if he was going to insult me, he May as well do so intelligently. Yusuke, Keiko, Yukina and Kuwabarra. All four of them just stood there at the base of the tree and stared. I rolled my eyes, and lazily slid off the branch.

I stood there, staring.

They stared back.

"Well, what the Hell do you want, buffoon?" I refrained from worse insults because of my sister. Yusuke gave that stupid grin, hand in his pocket as he jabbed a thumb behind him...at nothing. "We're going to get a bite to eat," as if it were obvious, "You wanna grab Kurama and join us?"

I felt like I'd been injected with novocain. Because he had the stupidity to ask me to socialize, And he'd brought up Kurama. He was inviting Kurama to do something he loathed. I wanted to strangle him. I wanted to kill something barbarically.

I settled on a half-shrug, "He hasn't been well lately," idiots, "But I can ask him never the less." I would have run had Yukina not been there with those Damn eyes; How they shone and she smiled hopefully. They walked away after giving me the address and the time to meet them. I wondered how to get Kurama to go along with this. We seemed to have switched roles.

*Kurama POV*  
I counted. Endlessly, back and forth. I counted measurements; water, juice, exercises, hours I'd slept. My thoughts were consumed by such things; my grades were falling. Mother would be disappointed when report cards came.

"...Suichi?"

A small hesitant voice from outsid my door. I sat at my desk, bade them to come in. Kokoda did so, shuttingbthe door behind him. He kept a hand on the handle, "I was wondering if you could help me with something." I gestured to the bed and he sat down, looking at his feet and running his tongue over his teeth in childish awkwardness.

There was a quiet moment before he blurted out an unexpected question; "How do you ask a girl out?" He gave no time to respond, "There's this girl and I really like her and I've been friends with her for a couple years. I really do like her and I don't want to sound like a complete loser...can you help me?"

I loathed his childish question; that whimsical mind I had lost so many years ago. I sat there for a moment, having no idea what to say. In Makai, things were rash, sudden. Rarely did anyone stay together very long. Hiei and I had been together since I was fourteen; I don't recall a conversation. So how do I answer this? I crossed my legs, resting my chin on my fist, "Well, you're rather young to be dating, don't you think?" He glared and I smirked, "I suggest casually asking her to a movie. See where it goes from There."

He put his hand over his eyes, exasperated, "Jeez you're so old fashioned. You remind me of my dad sometimes!"

'Old fashioned...you have no idea.'

Shopping...how I loathed it. Not that I expected anyone to empathize with how miserable it was. I looked down at my list of twenty seven items. I tried not to look at labels. A wide eyed woman stared as I calculated in meats and cereal. For a moment I actually wondered if she had followed me. And, for a longer moment, I wondered if she was even there.

Hiei was shadowing me, leaping from the trees as silently as a cat. I didn't call out; something was upsetting him. As I slipped my key in to the lock, I stopped at my windowsill; "You're welcome to come in." I didn't look up as I entered the doorway.

Tin cans hit the marble counter. My family was gone again. They'd gone to Kokoda's school play. I never saw the point of such things when I was a human child.

"Fox...your mind is heavy." I barely heard him. I responded with numb lips, "Well," he said, after I asked what he meant, "You are trying to cook yams without opening the can." My mind bolted awake. There was a can of yams sitting in a pot of steaming water. "Damn!" He shook his head, muttering something about sleep deprived foxes. He opened the can with his knife.

"Thank you, firefly," I kissed him softly, "I don't know what I would do without you." I dumped sweet corn into a pot. It occured to me that chicken and yams was a strange combination. Well...now I had to cook somwthi g else.

Soup. Sweet potato soup would be fine. I skimmed the recipe and could almost hear Hiei smirk; "You cook too much." I stuck my tongue out, childishly, before looking for celery.

"Suichi this is delicious," my mother spooned a bit of soup into her mouth, "But what made you change your mind dear?" I shrugged, looked over to my fire demon sitting beside me. I smirked to see him enjoying the meal. "You should cook more Suichi." I looked at my brother, giving him the same smile, waiting for my mother to pipe up;

"Kokoda, are you saying I can't cook?"

As always. I wonder why they bother joking. I had no sense of humor; I was dull. I smiled, stirring food across my plate.

...He was acting strangely. I lay there, my head propped up on my hand as I watched him lean on the window, clothed in t-shirt and shorts. He'd never been over there before; was I so repulsive he wouldn't share the bed with me?

"Hiei, you must be tired," I sat up, tightening the ribbon that kept my hair back, "Why don't you sleep in the bed? I'll take out the futon."

"Hn."

He complied when I pulled the spare bedding from the closet. I noted something...off about his scent. The earthy soap I kept in my bathroom, his scent...someone else? It Smelled female.

My lips parted, a sharp breath entering my body. Hatred and sadness lodged within me; a moth becoming a butterfly. He had a female scent all over him; arousal. I dropped the bedding onto the floor, slowly settled myself into it

"Are you alright fox?"

I suspect you've been with a woman. You've come into my home after fucking someone else. My body betrays me. Am I alright? I want to succumb to rage.

"Fox?"

I pulled the covers over myself, trying to be calm.

"I'm alright, firefly. Good night."

There was a moment of silence; he just sat there. Although I was facing away, I could feel the fire on my neck, tracing me. I gripped my pillow and waited for him to turn the lamp off.

Several minutes passed .

My heart thumped.

His breathing was so calm.

Finally, my room was encased in darkness and I allowed a tear to escape. I resisted the urge to bleed.

I did not sleep . 


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

"Yusuke would you get up already?"

Atsuko looked at the boy so soundly asleep on the couch, setting her coffee mug on the table. The spirit detective was awakened by a fateful of papers. "Wha-?!" he flailed, fish like for a moment wondering who could have snuck up on him! How? "I will kill you, you son of...oh. Hi mom." the woman cocked her brow, sighed, "Are you on pot?"

The neighbors downstairs heard a thud as Yusuke fell over in shock, face first in to the floor.

"What the Hell mom? You dont ask a guy so early in_" he glanced at the clock; 12:22 pm. "...oh."

She snorted, straightening her papers, "I'm going to an interview. Should be back around 2:00. Don't throw a party. There's no booze if you wanted to; right down the drain, buck-o." Oh yeah

.Yusuke had forgotten she'd stopped drinking a few weeks back. She was more irritable than usual but at least She was there when he came home. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he stretched and nodded to...Whatever she was saying. "And then I'm going to adopt Kuwabarra...make you guys get married..."

Nod nod.

SMACK

The woman sighed, yet again, as her papers collided with a very thick skull. "Look, just don't get into too much trouble, ok?" She kissed the spotshe had struck, and left without another word. Yusuke sighed and pulled out a cigarette she had left on the table. No one was perfect. He glanced over at the calendar, and decided to pay a visit to his favourite mentor, Genkai.

She was always glad to see him.

...

"What do you want idiot?" He grinned and shut the door behind him, "Can't I visit my favourite teacher once in a while?" The old woman snorted, setting her mug on the table beside her. "Puu missed you," and as if the bird had been awaiting a signal, Yusuke found himself with a face full of blue feathers.

"Damn bird," the light body perched perfectly on his head, tiny claws digging into his hair. "Puu!"

"So any of the other guys down here?" Not looking up from a scroll, Genkai gave a single nod

"Who?"

"Must you be so social?" she gave a small smile, "if you must know, Hiei was here earlier." Teenage ears perked up, eyes glinting in a silent urge for more information on the quiet fire demon. "He visited with Yukina for a while, then borrowed one of my books. Says he needs to help someone...or something. I don't care.." Genkai sipped her tea and waited for a stupid response that would make her want to smack her student.

Nothing.

"You know...both of them have been acting pretty weird lately," he scratched his nose thoughtfully, eyes to the poor lighting fixtures as if looking for the wires within the bulbs, "Kurama's been distant...giving those weird fake smiles..." pause "And then Hiei's just been...touchy. Kuwabarra mentions girls and he's tense. Abd when we mentioned cheaters-"

"Infidelity" Genkai corrected

"-Hiei told us to shut up and then just disappeared." The young detective muttered something about demon hormones as Genkai finished her tea, not bothering to offer insight.

KURAMA POV

He was distracting himself from me again. He had come to my house of course, but he hadn't embraced nor kissed me the way He used to. He just said hello, perched on the windowsill, book open against his knees. I watched ruby eyes take me in for a moment. I wondered if I should ask what was wrong. ...But I couldn't. I felt I was being enough trouble. If he was upset, he would tell me in his own time. But the questions of his faith toward me kept running through my mind: suspicion on steroids, one could say. But if I asked, he would make me seem paranoid, untrusting; I would be the one in the wrong. And that would make him upset.

...I dont think I could bear it if I pushed him away. I bit my lip, pulling my loose sweater down further, the material falling just shirt of my thighs. Even the largest clothes felt tight. All gazes felt harmful, judgemental. I wonder how many looked at me to talk about how Minamino Suichi had gotten fat and stupid. How could one go from being relatively attractive to a Damn blimp in so short a time. Or, maybe I'm not that important anymore; maybe no one sees me.

"Fox?"

Too quickly, I look at my dark firefly who had been like stone since he got here. "Your energy is erratic again. Its giving me a headache ," he stretched, the bottom of his shirt pulling up to reveal that perfect stomach, "Either tell me what's bothering you or meditate." I smiled, hoping it was normal. "I apologize Hiei. Its my exams. They make me feel...off." I turned back to my book, ignoring the itch beneath my skin. The urge to embrace him and let my freezing body be warmed by his youki. An even deeper urge to find the scale, even though I knew the numbers. Why bother?

"...Hiei?"

"Hn."

I hesitated, making a circle with a blue pen. "I dont want you to feel you have to stay here. If you want to leave, I will not stop you." A sudden rush of air against my back was the indication that Hiei had leapt out the window. I bit my lip...I had told him to go.

I wondered if he would come back smelling like women again.

I wanted to vomit. I wanted to have my fingers in my throat so badly I couldn't stand it. I sat there, alone at the table, struggling with the pancake and sausage link my mother had generously given me. I damned it all, took another bite. "Suichi, are you sick?"

She had been asking that so much lately. But she sounded...off when she did so. She sounded like she knew I would lie; she knew there was something going on but she couldn't ask me outright. I wondered How much she knew, but at The same time, I did not want to know.

"No mother," I smiled, "Its a but too salty. I'm not even hungry." As I knew it would, a soft hand that could only belong to a mother fell to my forehead, looking for fever that would never be. "Well you don't feel warm." her hand trailed to my cheek, "why don't you relax, my son? I'll finish here and wrap your breakfast up for you." Her lips touched my brow and guilt became a heavier stone in My gut.

I hated myself. I'd put her through so much...I didn't deserve the kindness she had given me.

"Thank you, mother."

The slick cream tile formed into plush carpet under My feet.

"...Hello Kokoda."

I took a seat in the recliner to the left of the sofa, where my younger brother was watching some horrid space alien film. "Hey Suichi." that was it. I was suddenly grateful for the short answer, no questions asked. The mind of a human teenage boy, focused completely on violence...and half naked purple skinned women? Ok... With a sigh, I grabbed the remote from his hand, switched to cartoons I was forced to endure as a child; the kind where cats chase mice with oversized mallots.

"What the Hell?"

I smirked and glanced at him, my finger resting on the channel key, "I wouldn't let your father hear you talk like that. Might earn a smack upside the head." I couldn't call mother 'our mother'. It was strange. "Yeah yeah," he held his hand out, "can I at least change it to something with words?" I carelessly tossed the remote back. As I knew he would, he changed it back to the aliens. Hopeless.

I sighed and stood, wanting to go to my room and read a good book.

But something was off. My arms didn't have as much strain as I pushed myself off the chair. My body moved easier, lighter...


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

HIEI POV

tick...tick...tick...

My eyebrow twitches as I listen to the otherwise silence of my room. I don't even know why I keep the Damn clock.

Well...that's not true. Kurama gave it to me for Christmas last year. I remembered the broken aura that lingered over him, the deeply rooted sadness He harbored. I tried to replace that image; the way he hid forced vomiting, the red of broken blood vessels in his eyes. He was hurting so badly, and part of me wanted to shake him, tell him to get over the past. Stop hurting himself. The other half wanted to die, because I knew I was part of the reason he hurt so deeply.

"Hiei?"

I looked to my side, in to amythest eyes that shone brightly; her cheeks were flushed with passion, her lips swollen. The only thing hiding her body was a thin sheet. "Are you feeling ok?" Kurama used to ask that.

"Fine, Aya," I sighed, adjusting the sheets, "Just tired." Ayame smiled lightly and rested her head against my chest, long lines of patterns playing connect the dots with my scars. Her bright blue hair, usually neatly braided, was a messy halo around her head. I played lazily with it, listening to her soft, somewhat sloppy humming. Not really a tune, just notes put together.

Sighing again, I adjusted the pillow behind my head, running my fingers through my hair even though I knew it would not be out of place. I couldn't really mess it up if I tried. "Sleep, Ayame," I climbed out of bed, grabbing my scattered clothing, "I'll be back later."

I left before she could answer.

I needed to look in to the eyes that haunted me. I needed to tell him the truth somehow.

Kurama POV

Back and forth, I paced, glancing between the Television and my door, not focusing on what was really going on. I looked at the mirror in my room, the one I don't remember buying or receiving. I look at my body; no matter how much I hated doing so, and Hiei's face would fade in and out if my mind. His disgusted expression, averted eyes. I wondered why...but I knew. Was being the lover of a thief, murderer, a whore, too much for him? Was he embarrassed to be seen with me, or was he disgusted by my behavior? I bit my nails, my feet beginning to drag, legs aching but my heart hurt so much more.

I listened to my family's laughter in the den below me.

...they didn't need me, really. I was a senior in high school; I would be leaving soon and they would be a traditional and perfect family. A child who loved them, who was succeeding, who was normal, human, and everything they could want. U felt a sharp pain at the thought of mother forgetting me. But...she deserved to be happy. She did not need me to burden her anymore.

My feet touched the cold windowsill; the window was always open to keep me from suffocating in my own presence. I often looked at the clouds, the moon and stars. I almost looked for Hiei. It was past eleven thirty. No one would come to see me until morning.

My mother laughed with Kazuya.

My feet were bloody, my body sore, lungs burning. I wasn't crying even though I felt barely a breath from doing so.

Kuronue.

Yomi

Hiei

Shiori.

People I had lost. People I was losing. Screaming, crying ; embracing me, telling me they loved me. Mother said it so many times; there was so much she would never know. Guilt, burden, horrid memories, crippling emotions. There was an eternal weight, tied to my heart with barbed wire. It never faded, never vanished.

Kuronue...

I collapsed on a bench, gasping for air, my hands resting on shaking knees. I felt nauseated ; my arms burned.

I think I screamed.

My nails dug into my flesh. Sanguine dripped down, a child's finger paint. I hated myself, my body, my soul... Deeper, I ran my nails over my flesh, the tips sharpening in to claws almost on their own. My hair begun to bleed white and my teeth felt like they would shatter from the clenching of my jaw.

"Make it stop," I whispered to the cataract sky, "Please, gods, make it stop...I can't do it anymore..."

Panting, bleeding, crying.

"Please, just for now, let it stop..."

Shiori POV

My head lay on Kazuyas chest, listening to his heart as I scanned the book beside him. I played with my ring that had, a few weeks ago, become my wedding ring. I thought about my Suichi, and Kokoda, who had become my child. I thought about my late husband, and the car that killed him.

The phone calls. The mourning. The recovery.

I wondered about Suichi. Did he ever forget his father? He was so young...but He had excellent recollect.

"Shiori?" I looked into his coffee black eyes, the reading glasses balanced on his nose, "You're so quiet. Usually you would lecture me about reading at this late hour." Laughter in his voice and I smiled, "I'm fine dear. I'm just thinking." He sighed, and whispered that my thoughts were dangerous for him. "About my son," I corrected him sternly, "And yours..." A sigh found it's way from my chest, "...I'm wondering about Suichi's health. He's been depressed lately...so thin.."

"Yes...I noticed."

He closed his book quietly, set it on the nightstand as be embraced me, "He's on your mind a lot, isn't He?"

I didn't answer.

Did I worry too much? Was I over protective? He wasn't a baby anymore...even though I knew he was MY baby. "Shiori, maybe we should," hesitating, as if telling me I was not going to like his opinion, "Make an appointment with a psychiatrist."

I shot up, resting in my arm and sending him a nasty look I would later regret, "I will not send My son to one of those..." I could think of the term , "I won't let him be labeled crazy." He gave me a look that needed no words. "...He doesn't need it," I sighed, forcing my anger down , "he doesn't need to be examined. He will be fine. He's going to be fine...!"

There was an eerie silence, and I heard Suichi's window crack open in the room beside us. He sobbed and laughed: I could see him in my mind, grabbing desperately at his hair as he tried to hold onto his very sanity.

And I knew he would smile tomorrow.

"He'll be fine," I whispered again. I couldn't even believe myself.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Kurama POV

I stared at the empty boxes and crumpled bags, feeling absolutely horrible and numb. Mother was at work, Kazuya was with Kokoda. Hiei was in Makai. And here I was, binging and losing control, trying my hardest not to scream. My stomach ached, feeling heavy and bloated; a water balloon beneath my shirt. I didn't bother to clean up. I wanted it out of me. I loathed it.

I don't know why I locked the door. I don't know why I bothered to be quiet. Force of habit? Or perhaps a subconscious gesture to keep those who weren't present from knowing. No one could know.

My fingers trembled as I found myself in a familiar position, my knuckles white. I stared at my reflection in the water; I hated myself. I loathed what I was doing but I couldn't stop, part of me didn't want to, found it impossible.

My nails tore at the damaged tissue of my throat; my chest and stomach were ablaze. The sound of my retching just made the gagging worse. I was disgusting. I sobbed as I thought of Hiei; his rough hands on my skin. Of the scent that clung to him; how perfect that New woman must be, with soft skin, slim waist and perfect breasts. I imagined her with arms clean from scars, a bright smile. Undamaged.

And here I was, the demon masquerading as a human. My hair bizarre in it's shade, my eyes too large for my face. I hated this body. I hated my past, what I had become, what I used to be...I was repulsive.

Why would he ever want someone like this?

I raised my head, dry-eyed and numb. My limbs were heavy, my throat felt like sandpaper. There was a horrid pain in my chest, a knife with every breath I took. The tears came and I wanted to cry out.

Instead, I forced the smile I had spent so long perfecting.

*Hiei POV*

I stood silently outside his house. I needed to go in. I needed to know. I needed to see his face when I told him .

But I didn't want to see his tears. I didn't want to know whether or not I would be the reason for his self destruction. Such an odd thing; to be torn between two things that are so obviously wrong.

There was a pregnant moment where all I could do was stand on the sidewalk, ignoring those that watched from the Windows. I watched the silhouette from behind the curtain. He was sitting at his desk, turning the pages too quickly to be actually reading.

I thought of Ayame.

My feet hit the windowsill and, not bothering to knock, I opened the glass.

"Hiei."

*Kurama POV*

My book fell onto the hard wood of my desk. He was, honestly, the last person I expected to see. A tiny bit of me wanted to kill him for showing his face .

"What brings you here?"

He Sat down on my bed, not taking his boots off for the first time in months. Stoically, he looked at me. No trace of sadness or nerves. "There's something I need to talk about. And I don't want you to interrupt or I won't be able to start again. Got it?" I could only nod, fearing what could be so important that it needed an introduction.

Casually, he leaned against the wall, katana set against his shoulders. "I have not been...faithful to you, Kurama..." He'd practiced this; it was obvious from the robotic tone. But his sanguine eyes were cast downward, unable to meet my line of sight. Of course I'd known...but it hurt to hear him say it. What was I supposed to say? 'I know and have for some time'?

I sighed, "I know, Hiei... " He looked surprised; is that how I looked when I asked if I'd gained weight three weeks ago? I suppose it had been three weeks; time had lost meaning. "You..." I nodded and turned away, looking at my books.

"I think you should leave now."

The window slammed shut without his response.

Drip...drip...drip

Numb, I stared at the shower head from my place at the bottom of the tub. It was an annoying sound, but I didn't have the motive to move and adjust it. I flexed my hand. The steam made my head hurt, and still my nailbeds were blue. I played with the blade I'd taken from a razor.

"Suichi?"

I sighed when I heard my stepfathers booming tone. I knew his son was with him. I didn't care. I dragged the metal over the inside of my arm, watching blood rise to the surface. It was artistic to open human flesh, so fragile.

"Damn it."

A loud rapping at the bathroom door broke my concentration. "What the heck do you want?" My voice was harsh; I'd never yelled at my family before. "Suichi, what are you doing in there?"

I put my hand to the deepest wound, "I'm bathing," I managed not to call him an idiot, "and you banging at the door is not aiding my attempt to relax. Please go away." His soft spoken stepson had snapped at him. Poor man must have been shocked. Should I have felt guilt? I looked down at the wounds, the blood seeping between my fingers.

How grotesque. I didn't bother bandaging it.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: a filler Chapter; some major editing has taken place from the original Chapter. I hope you like it!

I sat quietly in the car, ignoring the fact that my mother had run a red light.

The music was repulsive. My mother looked over as I turned a dial, choosing to fill the quiet spaces with cello music.

"...Suichi?"

I turned away, hoping she might let me sit quietly for a bit.

She didn't.

"Suichi...i hate this...!"

She turned the corner sharply, the tires squealing against the pavement. "Why won't you let me in? Why do you pretend nothing is wrong when..." She bit her lip, white knuckles as she gripped the wheel.

"When what, mother?" I whispered.

She took a deep breath, and turned again, smoother this time, "When it is so clear that you are suffering, my son." I raised a brow; how long? Was she wrong in thinking she knew, and i was being presumptuous?

"I can hear you...sometimes," she sounded so hoarse.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I wanted to run, pretend nothing was real. What was i supposed to say? How do I...?

"Inari!" i cried out as the car stopped abruptly, my hand flying to my mother as a parent does for a child. A truck ran by us; i felt fear, relief, danger... "Mother...we could have been killed," I whispered. There was a moment where all i heard was her breathing, the cello so misplaced.

She undid her seatbelt, turned to face me, "Why are you doing it? What haunts you, my son?"

I had no answer. The only thought; she knows, run, she'll hate you, traitor... I looked past her, watching traffic.

"Suichi...look at me..." I shook my head, taking deep breaths. How could i tell her? She would think I was a lunatic.

"You're going to see someone about this."

Fear. Shock. Terrible urges surfacing, things long discarded.

I didnt speak the rest of the way home. She called me softly as i ascended the stairs. I only shook my head.

I held my head in my hands, sitting on my bed, door locked. I thought of Hiei, what he had done, what I had done to us...

I stared with burning eyes at the little bottle on my nightstand. Friendly purple label, a warning I chose to ignore. Prescription painkillers. 'Take two every four to six hours. Do not exceed dosage.' What the hell; I took four. I took six.

My eyes rolled back and forth, everything leaving a slow trail. Shadows, reflection. Fifteen different names for stars. Nothing made sense, and my god, what a relief it was. I stared at my hands, blunt human fingernails. Red marks on my arm. It was all very strange and beautiful.

(Scene)

"Suichi?" I opened my eyes, slowly realizing that it was freezing. Fully clothed, I was in the bathtub, submerged in icy water. My limbs ached ; how long had I been there...?

"Suichi what are you doing?"

Kokoda's irritated tone sent a tiny shock of anger through my spine. For no reason than the underlying fear that he would know What I had done if he saw me. The doorknob rattled. "Would you hurry up? I gotta go..." He mumbled that i was 'such a girl'. I smiled, the idea suddenly seeming hilarious.

"Just a moment please," my voice echoed and I grinned as I watched the ripples as I shifted. My legs were less than cooperative. Having him see me like this...what explanation could i give for being freezing and warped on drugs? I had backed myself into a corner; so many years of feigning the role of perfectly normal, and now i was a hostage, stuck by rusted nails.

I took a deep breath, opened the door slowly. He looked up, ready to engage in our usual playful banter; the smile vanished immediately, his brow crinkling, "Woah, hey...are you okay? What were you doing? You're soaked!" I shook my head, smiling and pat his shoulder, "I was in the bath. I am sorry to have kept you waiting." I walked slowly into my room, staring at the pictures on my wall that were shifting erratically, taking on a life of their own. I slid the pills into the back of my drawer, laid down beneath my covers. I waited for oblivion.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It was silent. I hated silence with my mother, as one of us usually started crying or yelling when things were intense. Most of the time, it was her that broke it.

It was a horrid sense of deja vu, sitting on the passenger side of the car. I stared at the lines on the road as she drove too quickly. The counselor would be in an office by an old insurance company, perhaps a bank. They were always near places that handle money. We stopped in the parking lot that was occupied by two other cars.

I hated it already.

"Please, give her a chance, Suichi."

There was something about her voice. She sounded regretful. Like she didnt want to do it either. I felt sick at the thought of the money it would cost her. I wanted to say i was sorry. To tell her I would stop, never do it again.

I wanted so badly to lie to her.

The room contained a large pot with sad, dying trees, two leather chairs, an ugly couch. An abstract painting on the far wall, near a bookshelf that held only a stereo. I suppose It was to make a patient feel comfortable as they were emotionally dissected. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Did my mother think talking to a stranger with a pHD would make me normal? I was never normal.

A woman stepped out from an adjoining room, looking cliche with her clipboard and rectangular glasses. She had an olive complexion, black hair in a tight bun. Her shirt was a white button up, and she wore slacks. (1)

I hated that condescending smile.

"Mrs Hatanaka," the name was so strange, "my name is Gloria Miralez. It's nice to meet you." Ah, she was hispano. She turned to me smoothly and outstreched her hand, "Suichi. It's good to finally meet you." Finally? How long had my mother and Kazuya been planning this?

Suddenly self conscious, I tugged the bottom of my hooded sweater. I felt too small. My wrists itched. They were conversing and I wasnt paying attention. Hiei was going in and out of my mind.

Kuronue kept screaming, hurting my ears.

"Suichi?"

My hands snapped to my sides and I nodded in response. Where had Shiori gone? I heard her car pull away and felt dense. How long had I been standing there like an idiot? Gloria beckoned me to sit in the chair across from her. The leather creaked loudly. When had people stopped using uphostery? I rested my elbows on the arms of the chair and rested my laced fingers over my mouth, watching her intently as she watched me. I was going to return the favor and analyze her. Mid fourties, divorced, no kids, single...a woman who took her coffee black and drank a glass of wine on the weekend.

"Suichi," she said calmly, "would you like to start?" I shrugged; I obviously did not want to be there, but the other 58 minutes were paid for. I wasn't going to waste anymore of mother's time and money.

"Do you like school? I understand you attend a rather prestigious acadamy."

I crossed my legs, brought my hands to rest on my lap, "I suppose. How many teenagers do you know who would call it enjoyable?" She gave a small smile, "Do you get along well with your teachers? Your peers?"

I told her i found many of my classmates annoying. I also told her my teachers were fine, which was not exactly a lie. Did this woman expect an open book, for me to show her my scars and vulnerability as though I trusted her? I would not roll over and expose the white of my throat.

"Suichi...I can't help if you don't talk to me."

I did not need help. I just needed space. I needed Kuronue. I needed to be my old self.

I sighed, examined my nails, "Yes. I know."

So. I talked.

1: I normally dont go into this much detail for an OC, but Gloria plays a pretty big part.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"Ms Miralez," I said quietly, straightening a book on the table, "did my mother inform you as to why I was brought here?" She nodded, resting her chin on her hand as though I were saying something worth hearing, "Yes, she did. Do you want to tell me what you think? Perhaps, why _you_ think you are here?"

My voice was not as quick as my mind; the words were not as cold as I had intended.

"I am here because people waste time looking into meaningless habits," her pen was annoyingly loud against the clipboard, "they should worry about more important things, if you would like me to be honest."

"Don't you think you're important, Suichi?"

I turned my head, forced our eyes together, hoping she would writhe from the heat of my gaze.

"Why does that matter? Will my response get me away from these ridiculous sessions?" She gave what could have been a tired sigh. I smirked, picked up a magazine.

"You are very cynical for your age."

Oh...my dear woman I am much, much older than you...

"Do you want to be here?"

"Why Gloria," I smiled, cocked my head, "How long have you been in this field? If long enough, I believe you know the answer to that."

She smiled back, "Yes, I suppose I do."

Meaningless conversations that only come from therapy. Lie back, confess your sins, they get a paycheck.

Then she asked what I loathe to answer; "Do you think you are...overweight?"

She said it straight. No warning, no sugar-coating. Interesting. The chair creaked loudly as I shifted. I dug my nails into my palm.

"You dont have to answer that...but I would like to know."

I looked at the bland walls, the way one of my shoelaces was longer than the other. I had a fleeting urge to fix it, along with the crooked lampshade behind the woman who was paid to be intrusive. I felt naked, being examined and judged by a human who only knew what she had been told in college classes. She didn't know anything...

Had my teeth gotten sharper? I tasted blood as I ran my tongue over my left canine.

"Suichi...this may seem sudden," of course, "but I think that having your family come...might be benedicial, from what I have been told."

"What did my mother tell you, precisely?" I focused on her, the light on her lenses, "how much do you honestly think you know?"

"She tells me you've been distant, depressed. You have hurt yourself in the past, refused to eat." Her voice was quiet. In my minds eye, a pendant swung back and forth. A tormented scream threatened to shatter my skull.

...Kuronue...

"Do you purge?" I shrugged, rubbing my temple; she already knew the answer. Why should I speak? I counted 37 books on her shelf.

"I have put her through too much," I whispered, looking at my nails. They were brittle, the tips cracking. "She deserves a better child than I...Kokoda makes her happy in ways I have never been able to." It occured to me that I had said too much. I cursed my distraction.

"What do you think of Kokoda? Do you get along with him?"

Fourty three minutes left...

SCENE

"Suichi," my mother was eager as i shut the car door; did she think I would come out of that place healed? "How did it go dear?"

Her eyes were bloodshot. They held such a heavy hope...

"Just fine mother. But, I would like to go home now," I gave her a weak smile, "Talking is more tiring than it seems."

"Oh?" Tires scratching. I watched the white building fade and wondered who else she spoke to during her work days. Who was sitting there, feeling insane? Were they there of their own will?

We listened to Madame Butterfly.

SCENE

The moment I was home, I wanted to run. I found myself staring into a pair of brown eyes, sorrow refected in a way I had seen too often. It was sickening.

I smiled.

"Yusuke, what brings you here?"

I slipped off my shoes. "What, a guy cant come visit a friend?" I tipped my head. "Well," he smiled, "and your mom makes awesome food." My smile was false and painful. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to return to my old form; running, unseen, endless.

I led Yusuke to my room. The moment I entered, I turned Hiei's picture face down. Yusuke grinned, "It's so clean...I'm shocked." His tone and body language were...off somehow. He was keeping something from me.

"Well, some of us have standards of health, Yusuke." I could have laughed at the irony.

He fell onto my bed, locking his arms behind his head as he leaned against my wall. I took the chair, feeling examined again. I pulled my sweater down so it hung over the tops of my legs. The hood felt heavy; I yanked my hair into a ponytail. I focused on his gaze; he seemed upset, but not necessarily angry. That was a positive sign.

He was quiet though. I hated how he looked at me like I was on display. Like he was critiquing.

"Yusuke...was there something you needed?" I smiled. His breath escaped slowly.

"Yeah...right...well. You're probably going to hate me for saying this, but I'm not speaking just for me. Im also here for Keiko, Kuwabarra, Yukina...you know." He took a deep breath, "Promise you won't bail before I finish?"

With a nod, I folded my hands over my knee, mentally bracing myself.

How bad could it be?


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16-I promise we're getting somewhere with this fic! I've been working on it for 9 years...roughly**

"Kurama...we're worried about you..."

H didn't call me 'fox boy'. He no longer used such charming nicknames. "You never eat. You don't come to see us anymore; when you do, you're spaced out. You're weird now, depressed, you're slicing yourself open . Your mom's worried about you as much as us!"

He'd rehearsed. Part of me went numb, as normal. The other part felt everything; anger, depression, loathing, love. It made my chest burn. I was not bothering to smile.

"Kurama?"

What the hell did he want me to say? Was I supposed to apologize again, tell him it would stop? Tell him to ignore it? They couldn't ignore anymore than they could empathize.

"Yusuke..." my voice was hoarse, "How did you know of the self injury?" He didnt answer; in his silence, I knew that Hiei had told him. How many times was he going to betray me? When would it stop hurting? My teeth ached from being crushed. I avoided Yusuke's stare and turned a sharp circle to look out my window, my breath coming unevenly. I hated them for knowing. I hated myself for being so foolish, so obvious in my pain. I hated myself for fearing my mother, her pain and constant attempt to understand. I hated myself because I deserved to be exhiled.

My blood burned. My head felt like it was made of iron, my joints throbbed. "Yusuke, you should leave."

"Why?!"

He was accusitory. I wanted to hit him, tell him to shut up. My agony needed to spread. I hated feeling alienated by my own fault.

I felt the shift like a mother's embrace... I was annoyed. I was grateful.

Yusuke called my name.

And then, blissfully, I felt nothing.

I faded in and out for a moment as my body changed. I was looking at Yusuke's shocked expression. My demonic energy took over to keep my panic at bay; as a Yoko, I was strong...humanity mattered little to me. But the guilt was dar heavier.

I was not so broken in combined form.

"I can't handle this..." I whispered. So tired...

"You will! I mean..." Yusuke waved his hands, "when..Kurama comes back!" In his mind we were two. But it was survival; to a demon, emotions didn't matter. My human form felt everything for me. The intensity was unbearable.

"When I feel normal?" I filled in for him, holding my head and staring at the floor.

I couldn't explain it. Would I ever feel safe again? Would I ever accept my pasts? I pulled my quilt over my lap. I felt cold and the sweater that had been baggy suddenly fit very well.

"Why the fuck are you doing this?"

His voice hurt. Filled with pain and anger. I had less answers than ever.

"I cannot handle it," I rest my hand on hus trembling shoulder, "Everything piles up in a thousand years and more...it is overwhelming...this is how I cope...all I am..." I knew he wouldn't understand. It wasn't in his nature; he felt he could fix everyone. One of his most admirable qualities, one I found the most annoying. Not everyone could be healed. I remembered my claws, stained with blood. Instinct had forced change.

"Kurama?" he was looking out the window, hand on heavy curtains.

I felt exhausted, "Yes?"

"I'm here if you need. When you're ready," he was uncomfortable but sincere. I smiled, shrugged, "Of course Yusuke." He embraced me awkwardly, and left before either of us could say anything further.

"Yusuke Urameshi, you are quite the character." Sighing, I turned to a mirror. Vanity and low self esteem are ironically entwined. My Yoko form had been affected. I would look sick. And I knew the only remedy was a thing I was not ready to do.

I awoke in my human form, somewhat calmer than before. I was covered in quilts, as the nights were often cold. Sharp pains followed. Had I eaten? I couldn't remember.

"Suichi?" Kokoda entered my room without knocking. "You slept in. Bad." I looked over at my clock and resisted the urge to groan. It was nearly seven. "Yes," I said stiffly, "I know." I should not have been upset; he had done nothing wrong.

Sluggish, I pulled on a robe and, with a smile toward me, he closed my door.

I combed my hair and dressed robotically. All I thought was that I dreaded school. I especially didn't want to face Kaitou, being too attuned to my energy. Teachers with harsh, speculating eyes. Top students watched too closely. I had to be there by 7:00 at the latest. Would they notice if I missed a day or so?


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen -FILLER CHAPTER

Unusual for her, my mother was waiting in the kitchen when I came home. Sitting at the kitchen table with a newspaper, as though she did it every day.

"Suichi," she greeted, smiling softly, crossing her legs beneath her nurse's uniform, "I'm glad I caught you before I had to run to work. Please, sit with me?" I nodded, smiling, set my briefcase on the floor, "Mother, is everything alright?" I prayed she wasn't sick again, feeling cold sweat break upon my hairline, "Are you feeling well?"

"Fine, just fine," she smiled, poured tea, waving off my concerns with fragile hands, "It's been a while since we had some time together, no? I just wanted to catch up."

"All is well," I took the teapot from her, pushed a cup toward her, "My grades are top notch, my attendance fine", I paused, "are you sick?"

"Perfect", she nodded, pouring sugar into her tea, "I'm in perfect health, dear." She sipped delicately, reaching over to trace the veins in the back of my hands, as she had done so many times in my childhood, "Suichi," she took a deep breath, "I love you so much."

"I love you too, mother", I traced the scars on her arms. She smiled. I smiled. We listened to the ticking of the clock.

I tapped my fingers against the desk as I stared at my notebook. The house was wonderfully silent with my family gone. I opened it to see the scribbled words I did not remember writing. School notes, my own erratic thoughts. I let the sick words flow into my mind. I bit my lip and turned to a fresh page, calm. I sketched; slowly, a charcoal image of a beautiful man formed, black hair tied into a ponytail poking through a cap with a large hole in it. Large, violet eyes, glinting with mischief. Complete honesty.

I sketched my old form; white hair, yellow eyes. Cold, uncaring. My mouth in a smirk, a tiny hint of a fang showing beneath the lower lip.

Mother with her warm eyes, holding a bundle in her arms that could have been a human child

***Scene/Time Jump***

I lay on my bed, feeling sore but harboring no negative feelings towards my mother. I had hurt her; I deserved to be hurt by her. The fan turned slowly, but made me sick. I almost wished Hiei would come in through the window to call me an idiot.

I looked at the moon. When had the sun gone down...? I couldn t remember. Everything was so damn slow lately. My head ached, each bruise from my mother's hand taunting me. She'd been so angry...

 _"What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?"_

My head ached. I did not feel hungry anymore; rather, I felt sick.

"Suichi?" my mother s hesitant voice seeped through the door. I didn t bother to respond; she opened it. I could smell the green tea along with her nightly lotion.

Shiori POV  
I tried to hold back the tears as I sat beside his still form, the mattress creaking beneath my weight, "Suichi please, at least have some water?"

He hadn't had anything to drink. I could see his chapped lips, his sluggish demeanor. He pulled the quilt up and muttered something about not needing anything yet. "I'm sorry" he rasped. Frantically, I ran my hands through his hair. I wanted to fix him !

"Don't be", I smiled and held a glass of water to his lips, "Please, drink." I smoothed his hair back and watched him drink almost half the glass. "That's fine." I pulled it away, kissed his forehead.

"I love you, Suichi." He gave me an almost smile and took my hand; his eyes were painfully red. I ignored how cold his hands were. He kissed my palm. We sat in the quiet room, the light from his barely open curtains making his pale skin glow. I stroked the back of his hand, praying. What else could I do?


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

*Hiei POV*

I stroked her hand quietly, petting pale skin and trying to keep my mind from the Human World. I tried to keep those haunting eyes at bay. "Hiei? Are you alright?" Ayame looked concerned... I kissed her cheek; wirelessly I tried to assure her. She never really needed it. I pulled away, smiled, "I'm thinking of seeing my sister," I took a deep breath, "I'm not sure how to approach things..."

*** (Kurama POV)

I didn't sleep, again. I lay awake, sitting at my windowsill, haunted by memories. Insomnia threatened to pick me apart. And I sat, trying not to y awn in the dining room. Kazuya gone with my brother, leaving myself and my mother to enjoy the quiet. No sports broadcasts, no horrid teenage music and adolescent trouble.

I wrapped myself, tried not to look at Mother. She kept glancing at the morning paper, back to me, inspecting. I shifted uncomfortably, ignoring another stomach ache.

I hated it. I had abruptly thrown away the laxatives, and was paying for it. My mother sat there as I prayed into my cup of tea. She was smiling, but sad. I hated how much she cared. I hated doing this to her, when she deserved happiness. She didn't need it. I desperately wished for narcotics...

"Suichi?" I looked into coffee-black eyes, "I'm going to be working late for the next few days. Will you be alright?" We knew I wouldn't be. We both knew I would lie.

"Of course, mother. Please, don't work yourself too hard." She smiled. Perhaps I was convincing. Her hand reached across the table, cold fingers brushing mine. She looked so sad... A smile broke through quickly.

"I'll try not to, dear."

*Scene/Shiori POV*

My keys felt so heavy. "The emergency numbers are by the phone." My son smiled and reassured what was already known, "And call if you need anything. Don't hesitate, alright?" The nod again. "And-" Suichi took my shoulders gently, his mouth curving into an eerie smile, "And if the house catches fire, I am to go next door, call Emergency and Insurance. Assuming I don't die first." I had to smile; I lay my hands over his before kissing his cheek, "I know dear. I'll be back around ten. Eleven at the latest." He grinned, rolling his eyes playfully, "Yes mother."

"I'm sorry dear...I know you're an adult but.."

"You worry. I know." He opened the door for me. I looked at him in the chilly morning. He was so different.

*Kurama POV*

Mother waved from the car as she drove off, slower than usual. I wished she didn't worry so...but as long as I remained who I was, it wouldn't change. Could I convince her I was fine? I clutched the pendant that was an anchor around my neck. When had I put it back on? Had it become so routine that I no longer noticed...? Routine was never for me.

I closed my eyes, pulling the heavy drapes.

*I love you Yoko...*

*Love you too Kuro.*

*I'll never let go.*

*Promise?*

A sharp pain up my arm, my fist connecting with the oak door. I forced his face from my mind. I felt empty, my heart pounding. I was hurting...why? Why did it still hurt so much? Why was it piling up after so much time?

The fridge door clicking open was like a bomb in the empty house. I took out a bowl of what looked like soba and set it on the counter. I intended to close it after that. But somehow, I was eating all the peanut butter. I was barely chewing large pieces of leftover meat. Kuronue was saying something to me. I couldn't make it out; he was so far away. The next thing I remembered was wondering what time it was.

I just...kept going. I ate until I was sick, vomited, repeat. My knuckles bled and there was so much swirling in my head and this was the only way to stop it...!

*Shiori POV*

"Suichi I'm home!" I set my purse by the door as usual and looked around. The television was still on; some black and white movie. I turned it off before the alien started eating a brain. Kokoda ran down the stairs, "Hey mom. Dad's in the shower. I beat him at football, and I got mud all over him!" He grinned. "Well, it's always fun going to your aunt's house, isn't it?" I kissed his cheek.

"Oh, Kokoda? Could you ask Suichi to come down here please?"

"Sure."

My son stopped halfway down the staircase. He just stared at me with bloodshot eyes. He looked dead. "Are you alright, honey?" He didn't bother smiling or lying.

"No mother. I am ill. Was there something you needed?"

He was upset...

"I just...wanted to remind you of your appointment tomorrow." He nodded briskly and thanked me before racing back upstairs.

"Hi hon," my husband wrapped his arms around me, "You missed a hell of a ball game." I just stood there, unsure of what to say. "Shiori?"

"I'm going to make some tea."

When I opened the fridge, I noticed something...off.

Half the food was gone...?

"Shichi, could you come here please?" I immediately regretted yelling; his head was probably pounding. I knew what he'd done. Vomiting makes one's head hurt...and their eyes bloodshot...and rotted their teeth.

"Yes mother?"

He leaned casually against the doorframe. I wanted to strike him, hold him, kiss away the hurt like he was little again. "Suichi, did you..."

He cocked his head. A blank stare. "I'm sorry mother," he rasped, "but I'm going to need you to elaborate." When had he gotten so irritable?

When did my son start hating his body? Didn't he know the risks...didn't he care? The fake smiles, the baggy clothes, the vomit and starvation...everything that scared me consumed us.

I snapped.

*Kurama POV*

She was staring at me, as I stared back. She looked furious; her eyes narrowed and before I could speak her hands were around my arms.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?!"

She was screaming. Shaking me, calling me an idiot, asking why I was so miserable. My mother slammed me against the wall and I didn't want to stop her...I understood. Kazuya and Kokoda came running downstairs.

"Shiori...what is going on?"

Idiot. She can't answer. She doesn't know herself.

Her hand came across my face with a numbing smack.

She whispered chillingly, "What is WRONG with you?"

No one spoke.

"You cannot be my son...you're not my son!"

Kazuya pulled her off me, attempting to comfort her. "Get off!" she grabbed her coat off the rack and fled. The next thing I heard was her sobbing as she slammed the car door.

"Suichi?"

He laid a hand on my shoulder. I pulled him off, still staring at the space my mother had been standing. "Please...stay away from me for now."

I followed my mother's example, shutting the door gently. Oddly enough, I thought of how awkward it would be to tell all this to Gloria.


End file.
